(Or more aptly titled, “Probate War Stories That Will Scare You Into Estate Planning…I hope”)
My sister predeceased me. During our childhood, as the older sibling, I did what most older siblings did – tortured her because my parents tortured me. Okay. Torture is a misnomer, but childhood psychologists say that my actions seeking to control my younger sibling, were natural for the stage of our relationship. And in my evolving yet immature brain, it was only fair: There were only 2 of us, and I was the oldest. But it ended when I stayed small for my age and my younger sister grew large for her age, and she showed me who was really boss.
After that, my sister and I rarely had a row. Maybe we had strong differences of opinions three times during the entire 46 years we were together. She was no saint (and neither was I), but there were lines we just didn’t cross. And maybe we were just lucky that way, or maybe I’m just dreaming because of the 4 in our tiny family, my sister was the first one to die. However, I would prefer to think that we were just lucky that way, like our cousins who were also sisters with parents who predeceased them. Because O-M-G…
- Siblings who will drain an estate dry because of control issues and parents who just knew the kids would get along fine. Death and money changes everything…
- Sibling POAs who absconded with the bulk of the fortune while a POA, leaving other siblings to wonder if the medical bills were that high. Pending death and money changes everything…
- Siblings who changed the Last Will and Testament in the hospital room, after the morphine drip increased and other siblings were taking care of the house. Like I said, pending death…
- Siblings who saw the Last Will and Testament before the other siblings, didn’t like what they saw, decided to keep the Will in a safe place, and upon death, when asked, “What will? There is no will.” Secret knowledge of disproportionate gifting changes everything…
I recently listened to a panel of estate planning attorneys discuss the importance of transparency in gifting. I agree and disagree. Parents generally love their children and, before the parents die or become incapacitated, they rarely see the sibling ghoul that lurks within. So, being transparent about estate planning is an exercise in futility. However, disproportionate gifting, making only one a POA over financial matters, and the rationale behind these actions should be discussed with everyone in the room and…probably a Zen Master.
Now, not all siblings are evil-doers. In my practice, I’ve witnessed wonderfully loving acts of generosity between siblings. But, the wars…
Namu Myōhō Renge Kyō
